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Can’t Hack a Sleep Tracker?

You’re not too jazzed about the fancy watch. The trendy one that rings or vibrates when Facebook wants you, work wants you, or somebody’s birthday wants you, which means you never, ever, ever get to unplug.

Hey, you sound grumpy. Maybe you’re just feeling a little e-fatigue?

Or, you might not be sleeping well, in which case—sleep trackers! Some people are taking these gizmos to bed like long-lost Velveteen Rabbits. Choose one that will listen to you snore, track your heart rate, measure your kicks, make fabulous graphs, and tell you all about it in the morning.

But what if you don’t want to wear a device to bed? No worries! You already have access to NATURAL sleep trackers that collect loads of biometrics—and test you, too. You should try them. Here are our favorites, with brief reviews.

#1 Infant Tracker

natural sleep trackers

Measures: Sleep efficiency levels.

How it works: Hoists you out of bed several times a night similarly to the way assistive recliners deposit users on their feet. A custom-tuned siren brings you to standing position while you remain in Stage 2 sleep.

Pros: May generate endorphins.

Cons: Requires a year of use, minimum. Timer settings are inaccessible.

#2 Pooch Tracker

natural sleep trackers

Measures: Distraction resistance; olfactory sensitivity.

How it works: After you fall sleep, it shakes collar-bling loudly at random intervals. Once you re-enter sleep, testing continues with claws-on-wood sound effects.

Pros: Effective anti-isolation device.

Cons: Emits foul gas during olfactory tests.

#3 Kitty Tracker

natural sleep trackers

Measures: Morning nasal airflow.

How it works: An hour before you plan to get up, it hovers over your face, positioned directly over the nostrils. Hair-like sensors measure your facial contours.

Pros: A padded arm depresses your cheek at decreasing intervals until you achieve full wakefulness.

Cons: Emits biohazard waste.

#4 Garbage Tracker

natural sleep trackers

Measures: External-stimulus memory.

How it works: Aims an inverted cone of sound at your window. Stimulae include metallic groans, clanks, bangs and prolonged grinding.

Pros: Stimulates wakefulness to induce early-morning creativity.

Cons: Requires receptacle retrieval from neighbor’s driveway.

#5 Relationship Trackers

natural sleep trackers

Measures: Arousal states; temperature sensitivity.

How it works: One applies chilled, foot-shaped sensors to the calves to test sleep depth. Another tests arousal resistance with recurring throaty noises and/or murmured names other than your own. Another whips off covers to detect temperature adaptation.

Pros: Wide variety of models.

Cons: Evolved communication skills required to operate.

#6 Music-fan Trackers

natural sleep trackers

Measures: Violent impulse resistance.

How it works: Operated by a person between 12 and 18 years of age, one generates sounds designed to produce vivid dreams for later analysis. An outdoor model tests volume tolerance during evenings before key deadlines. A drive-by option called “all about that bass” measures startle reflexes.

Pros: A model for every lifestyle.

Cons: Risk of blood-pressure elevation.

Are you familiar with a natural sleep tracker that we’ve left out? Let us know!

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